Aggression

Aggression.  I think about it a lot.  Over the years I've become increasingly passive, mostly through self imposed limits.  I've always been terrified to let myself play.  You see, as some of our readers know, I have an unusually high testosterone level.  No this isn't some jock saying he's a stud and making this shit up.  I've been flagged by multiple doctors and have had some weird reactions.  Chances are you would never guess or ever know if you were a friend.  It's not a big deal, and it doesn't affect me much on the outside.  My brain however, is a different story.

Half Hard

 

I was flagged my freshman year in college when the team was testing for performance enhancing drugs (PED).  I tested abnormal for testosterone levels which normally indicates some type of PED use.  Thing is, I've never touched any of that.  My body type obviously shows this, I'm not huge, a little pudgy, not fast, not that strong, not angry and have had to work very hard just to get into mediocre shape.  I had to defend myself and visited more than my share of doctors to prove I was clean.  In the end after a few scares (an abnormally high testosterone level can mean testicular cancer and a number of other equally distressing things) all doctors agreed that it was just that my natural resting Androgen (Testosterone) level was unusually high.  This was interesting to them because I displayed none of the effects that many people with high T levels experience i.e. "roid rage," addictive personalities, etc.  They seemed to understand when I explained what I think about and how I act on a fitness and sexual level.  I do have an addictive personality but don't smoke and am able to limit my drinking.  These days, my mostly harmless addiction is video games.  What the doctors keyed in on though, was the fact that I worked out constantly and masturbated more times in a day than most people do in a week. 

Masturbating More than is Healthy

One of the troubles with having high Testosterone is that besides medication (which I reeeaallly don't take. EVER.  Doesn't matter what kind.) physical activity is the best and sometimes only way to keep it under control.  Working out increases testosterone. Then you have to workout from the workout so that you can work out your hormones.  Yea I know, it's kind of a shitty catch 22 but it's worked for me so far.  Fortunately, sex (as hopefully everyone knows) is physical activity!  Doing it often and in varied positions makes it a damn good workout!

Duh, I have always craved sex.  Stereotypically, I DID think about sex every nine seconds (which has been proven false for the average male by the way).  My previous partners were not that interested in sex; sure messing around was fun and we would have sex often...just not as often as I could/wanted.  Enter Elle...  When I started dating Elle she discovered a few things with me she'd never run across before.  I was always the quiet, respectful, nerdy, professional kid she had grown up with but now she was seeing the side of me that no one knew...in bed. But first, let's back track yet again.

I've always been scared to touch women.  I think somewhere deep inside I feel like if I let myself sample then I'll unleash something that I couldn't control.  Not violently, but just uncomfortably aggressive for me. I despise domestic violence and have a special place in the hell of my heart for crimes against women.  I'm an extremely competitive person and have always been in environments that condoned, perhaps encouraged, that type of competitive mindedness.  In my professional life up until now, my job has been based on physical qualifications and proving you have what it takes to be at the top of the pack both mentally and physically.  This allowed me to burn off that male energy and exist in a world that is not always politically correct.  Basically, I could be an asshole for a while and still be able to hang it up at the end of the day and go back to being the quiet, friendly, shy guy. 

 

Shy Guy

Unless I was in a relationship I never touched a girl, no back rubs, no playful wrestling, nothing.  When I was in a relationship I always kept it respectful: hand holding, cradling her head while we kissed, tickling, little things like that.  In bed I didn't grab, slap, spank, scratch or bite.  I thought it was inappropriate and any time I tried those things it felt demeaning. It felt cheesy and dumb if they didn't ask for it....and they never did so why should I push it? I always figured they took pity on me by having sex with me, no sense in ruining it further.  It's not that I didn't have an interest, I love those things. Those lingering thoughts caused my brain to wander. I realized I had an increasing interest in hair pulling and groping but was horrified at the thought of me pursuing those activities and having a girl not like them. 

You would think that an overabundance of sex devoted thoughts I would be driven to bounce from woman to woman.  I am attracted to many different people and am highly attracted to all types.  There are very few things that turn me off.  Even so, I've never cheated or even considered it with any of my partners but I've always been scared of allowing myself to fuel...well...myself.  What I did have though, definitely compensated for my lack of "edge."  I could go all night.  And day.  And the next night.  And morning.   I never had to stop.  Every guy loves to say that but one benefit to my high T is that I don't have a refractory period, meaning I don't have to stop and wait to recharge before we go again.   

Again...Enter Elle... So this shy guy and smokin' hot girl decide on our first date that we love each other; I knew that day I was going to marry her. But, like idiots, we tried to hold back and preserve friendship until we both just exploded onto each other. That night we made love. Then had sex. Then made love. Then fuuuucked. A few hours in, Elle asked me between gasps "don't you have to stop? I've never seen a guy do this before." Of course that just boosted my ego enough to pound harder and cum before answering her. I explained what was up and she remarked that most guys made the same claim I had but I was the first who she knew wasn't lying (not that she slept with those guys, just that it seems like every guy thinks he's a cross between a sex addict and sex god and has no problem trying to convince every girl within earshot.  They'll say anything!).  As our relationship matured our sex life never faltered.  We would skip classes, appointments, etc and stay up all night and day cumming and going in bed.  For me it was wake up, get off, go to the gym, get off and do it again; not necessarily in that order. Even after we "grew up," graduated and got jobs it didn't change. 

 

Enter Elle...

Until the babies... 

Pregnancy didn't change us much.  Instead of 4 or 5 times a day we had some days where we only went once (after getting clearances from the doctors) and of course work sometimes got in the way.  But with the birth and us moving and changing jobs and lifestyles, everything ground to a halt for me.  I had no time for the gym, no time with Elle and a demanding job that kept me in a terrible commute.  There weren't enough hours in the day.  Naturally, my eating went to shit.  Workouts couldn't/wouldn't happen and the stress built.  Elle got very sick and I struggled to balance work, kids and Elle all seperately.  I packed on the pounds and slowly got more frustrated with the world around me.  I noticed that I felt fatigue for the first time.  I could feel my body breaking down and my irritation rising up.  My reaction to stress is sex and since we couldn't always manage it, I became sexually frustrated.  When we did get to sex it was after the kids went to sleep and we had settled down.  By then I was only getting two or three hours of sleep.  The wicked circle began to work the other way. 

My biggest fears started to creep up again.  Pent up, no outlet with no relief in sight my aggression started to build.  I got angry, got loud, got impatient and frustrated easily.  I actually needed foreplay for myself rather than being rock hard at a mere thought.  Normally I love going down on Elle before most sexcapades but I was finding I needed a little boost...and that just pissed me off.  I felt that I could no longer convince my wife how beautiful she was while she was struggling with the normal after baby body issues (stupid I know, but my quick-hardednes was always a point of pride).  I could no longer go back to back sessions, I needed to wait a while before starting again.  It became difficult for me because waiting was something I'd never had to do before.  As you all know I get most of my pleasure from making Elle orgasm, so for those times when we had no time or only a little time it was incredibly limiting for me.  I hated not being able to keep her in an extended orgasm and having to build back up again.  On the flip side, those times when we had a lot of time to ourselves I would be so turned on that I would slide inside and immediately explode in her.  I was embarrassed, frustrated and very self-conscious all over again.  I started to allow myself to leak aggression into our sex sessions.  Sometimes I would grab her breasts roughly when taking her from behind.  Other times I would scratch her back as I tried to slam into her as deep and hard as I could.

Deep

I pulled her hair and came a little louder.  But I would always hit my mental wall that made me stop.  I wouldn't push further or harder.  Elle asked me one night why I didn't take control much.  I explained that I didn't know where that would lead me or if I would get lost in the feeling and allow my animalistic ideas to get the better of me.  I took her questioning to mean that I wasn't satisfying her and slid back into my passive and pouty mindset.  Of course, she was only asking because she had really enjoyed those things and wanted more of it.

Then, a few things went right.  We broke even financially.  We fought...made up, made out and got loud in a good way.  We started eating right, talked about starting a blog, started working out.  We vacillated over the blog for a while and talked about our reservations with it (wrote about it in our Insecurities post).  We kicked it off right.  I have slowly regained some of my previous positive "powers" and have shed weight.  Things are moving back to balanced in our lives.  Which brings me to my point.

None of this is possible without my beautiful wife Elle.  What started about a post about me exploring my aggressions in a sexual way led to a love letter to my wife.

 

Beautiful

 

I've got some issues of course and she's not perfect either but without her I would be lost.  She is my sounding board.  Always funny, always loving and always willing to indulge me.  Elle is open to any discussion and is incredibly supportive.  I don't have any mental blocks or warped senses (subjective I suppose) due to testosterone but I do have to honestly discuss my thoughts with Elle. She recognizes when I'm getting to my boiling and breaking point and allows me to let off some steam.  Even if my hobbies aren't always the safest she tolerates them enough to realize they help me.  Best of all, I've been able to work through my stress and aggression in a way that I've never been able to before.  Not by using sex or fitness but by talking.  Through that I've been able to break down my walls a bit and use some of that aggression in the bedroom.  We've pushed our boundaries further in the past year than we had ever imagined.  I know we both feel incredible excitement about expanding our boundaries even further.  We can't wait to actually get working on fulfilling our list of fantasies and start on making new ones.  I love you Elle, I always will.  You are perfect for me.

                                                                                                                                -Dusty