My Take

My thoughts on Dusty and testosterone with much story in between.

Elle

Dusty and I were close friends for a while before we hopped in bed together. Knowing him without the sexual side, I would have never known how much sex is on his mind or that he had elevated testosterone. He wouldn't do more than hug me, but even then it was awkward hugs (no offense Dusty). He used to tell me about his girl friends at the time, and they were not that sexual with him. He used to tell me how he was sexually frustrated, but he dealt with it. He didn’t ever pressure anyone, he never let the female who he currently was with know what he wanted, but his mind would be on sex or things surrounding sex. We would talk about our sex lives, but I never had the thought that he was overly sexual or freaky, freaky.

A few years later, we decided to risk our friendship and see what more was between us. I remember it like it was yesterday. Dusty came to visit me while I was still in college, I picked him up at the airport. At this point we were still friends, but hadn’t seen each other in a while so we didn’t know what would happen. When I saw him I immediately went in for a hug, an awkward hug from and to each other. Later the next day we went to a beach and walked, talked, and caught up. There was no touching. Now of course I was hinting at maybe holding hands or him putting his arm around me. It happened to be a little chilly outside (for me not Dusty). I am always colder than him where ever we are. So anyway, were walking and I mentioned that I was cold so he gave me one of his shirts that were layered on him. There was a lot we talked about, but we never talked about 'us' or if there would be an 'us.' Finally I said that I was still cold. He put his arm around me. I remember thinking how good just his arm around my shoulders felt. It is goofy sounding, but we fit. We were perfectly fit together and I had never felt so stuck in a moment. We continued to walk holding onto each other. Then I still didn't know much about what kind of sexual appetite he had.

Once we got back to my apartment we talked and talked. We were heading to bed...in separate rooms, I was about to close my door and then stopped. I decided to take a risk and ask if he wanted to come in and just cuddle with me. Now this wasn't a request out of no where...we had talked about friend cuddling and how we both enjoy cuddling. He started to walk away and my heart felt like it dropped to my stomach. Then he turned back, smiled and said he needed to change and he will be right in. We cuddled to start the night. I had my head on his chest and my body up against his. We both were fully clothed but enjoying every second. I snuck a kiss in and then we made out. We stopped and cuddled more. There was previous conversation about friends with benefits and how we both had done that before...so I was thinking that maybe he just wanted a hook up or maybe more and what I should do or not do. The whole time I had this major urge to tell him I love him. I guess I just knew it when we were at the beach and now it had built up so much that I couldn't hold it back any longer. I just didn't know what he felt and was scared to know. I looked up at him, my heart pounding, and said it! "I love you." Well that's what I seemed to say in my head, but I am pretty sure I blabbed around it to try to ease it in. After all I was professing my love for him. He looked at me and paused. I felt a tear start to form in my eye. I remember thinking, "Oh my gosh, what the hell did I just do! I just ruined a friendship and made this visit very very awkward." I had an urge to puke...and I put my head down to hide my tear and my disappointed look. I waited acting as though I never said anything. Dusty didn't move any part of him but his lips, he said, "I love you too, I just didn't want you to think I was saying it back just to say it." Naturally I hit him in the chest and told him I couldn't believe he did that and he had my heart racing and my brain freaking. We started kissing, me in excitement. We made love...

Getting back to the point of this post, with all the cuddling and talking, who would ever know really what was going on in Dusty's head-both heads. He kept it to himself and I didn't even notice. Once we finally admitted our feelings all passion broke loose. The first time wasn't long but it was amazing. He fit perfectly inside me from the start. In case you want to know, he still fits perfectly! Then we did it again, and again and again. I couldn't believe how easily he was able to recover and get back to fucking. I had to ask for breaks at times! I couldn't believe I actually had to ask a guy to stop. He had something special going on and I wanted to know his trick.

When we came up for air and food, he explained to me the gist of his testosterone. But to be honest, reading his post I didn't know he struggled so much. I was taken back a little that I didn't listen or didn't understand what was going on. I more brushed it off like it was no big when he would bring it up since my sex drive seemed about the same. I have never had tests done and just figured it was our age. I always and thinking about sex and then it was much more. I didn't need sex but I loved it and wanted it. I wanted to be satisfied over and over again. So of course I would tell Dusty that we were the same. I masturbate and so does he. He just does it more.

We had to be in a distance relationship for a year or so and masturbating on camera became our thing. It was fun and exciting since we could come on each other. I would masturbate pretty much when we would video chat and maybe a little before or after. Dusty would tell me later on that he would end up wacking off a few more times that night. I didn't get it. I didn't know what to think. For a while I just laughed and asked why. He would always just tell me he was super horny from looking at my pictures. After a while it started seeming odd. So I continued to pry. Once we moved in together, he did it less since we were banging like jack hammers. We didn't stop except to work, eat, and sleep. Masturbating wasn't necessary. We had to be a part again for a short time. I surprised him with some naked pictures and he loved them. We teased each other back and forth with texts and pictures. We were able to video chat and I told him I wanted to sex it up a little and get off in front of him while he was getting off in front of me. Dusty told me he just wanted to hold off and let it all wait for when he saw me. I pushed and pried, I was horny. Dusty then told me he didn't want to because he didn't want to have to stroke it again in the shower a couple more times. I was shocked he was turning me down and I kind of got mad at him. We ended up just talking that night. I was bummed and super horny. This was when I realized that he may have an issue. I didn't understand it fully but I knew something was up, other than his dick.

Later on...

We bone a lot! We both enjoy messing with each other and most of the time end with a slamming P in the V session. We are very open to each other about our horniness and our sexual thought for each other. I grab, stroke, rub, poke, or touch Dusty when I feel like it, usually because I am horny and want to tease him into wanting me so bad he begs. He says he is always ready to take me on, so he grabs, touches, kisses, and so on whatever he wants to me. This of course is something we talked about. At times I tell him I just don’t like it or bring it on. We are open about it and are not afraid to talk about it. Open conversation is the best way to go. For us it eased a lot of sexual awkwardness. We don’t dance around sex or what we might want or might not want. We talk about what we want out of sex, life, jobs, everything really. It is a strong point that we are always working on.

My point is Dusty’s loads of testosterone doesn't faze me much. At times I feel like I am letting him down-when I just am not feeling sex and just need to cuddle, but he always understands. Some days we will mess with each other all evening, then the kids go down, and I just am exhausted…so ready to just crawl in bed and pass out. I feel bad because I just made Dusty hard by rubbing his dick and stroking up and down. I tell him how I feel and he tells me it isn't a big deal, crawls into bed and curls up next to me. He doesn't try to push it at all.

Anger isn't an issue either. He gets upset, yes, like anyone else. He keeps his cool so well and is able to talk his way out of his thoughts of anger. I admit I didn't believe he was handling anger in a healthy way so I was the mean one and pushed his buttons in all the wrong ways to see what he would do. Dusty gets mad. He huffs and puffs but just tells what is going on in his head. Sometimes I sense another level of anger and rage behind it all, mostly when dealing with other people, but he keeps it together. He still keeps his voice at conversation level and just expresses his anger. Ugh does it get me even more mad. The point here is he somehow controls his anger even when his hormones should be making him in a rage. I feel like his thought behind such control is the thought of what his future and our future will be if he lets that inner rage release on someone or something inappropriately and in an unhealthy way. 

Healthy Release

Outlets are necessary for everyone. Dusty uses exercise and sex. He works out often (I’m jealous at times). He says he uses it to keep sane in the craziness that is the world and our life right now. I believe him and feel like it is perfect. Sex then is longer and more intense. Haha length isn't really an issue. We are all about quality anyhow.  As long as he has outlets he doesn't seem to get short about anything. There was a time when he was unable to get to the gym or have sex or really do much at all. He was really worked up and stressed out so much that it was hard to get him to relax. Talking became an important part of our evenings, more than normal. We needed to know what was going on with each other so we did not have blow out fights over little things like changing the toilet paper roll out for a new one or whose turn it was to rock the baby back to sleep.  As long as there was some sort of outlet, Dusty was good to go.

To me testosterone isn't an excuse to fight, beat, or yell. It is a crutch. Dusty lives with this and has full control of his body and mind. He works to keep it that way and doesn't allow his testosterone to be the excuse for his actions.