As we've said, there are some life changing events happening in our lives. I have never been one to have anxiety or worry about upcoming obstacles but now that I have a family (and a blog) I have felt concern and frustration for the first time. I will be gone for a pretty long time so there are some things that seem to be weighing on my mind constantly. Fortunately I won't be leaving for a few months but in an attempt to ease my fidgety mind I made a stream of consciousness list. Figured I'd share it.
I'm scared. I feel sad that I'm going to miss big milestones in my kids' lives. I feel bad that I won't see Elle. I feel scared that Elle will resent me for not being here. I feel nervous because of the job I'm about to do; I want to do well and if I do, it will definitely allow us to have a better life. I'm excited about the challenge. I'm terrified that our kids will forget me. I'm sad I won't get to chat with our readers. I'm bummed because it means no sex...for a long time. I'm nervous because things will never be the same no matter how much I want them to be. I'm hesitant because I know that any problems we have will be magnified by distance; even small issues can potentially ruin our days. I'm sad that our kids will be learning things I wanted to teach them, but happy they are developing as people. I'm happy because Elle will be pursuing her professional goals at the same time. I'm terrified because nothing will ever change the fact that I wasn't there. It sucks because I won't get to say "Good morning beautiful" to Elle. I'm nervous because nothing will ever be the same, and I love my current life. Pissed because I need to be in better shape. Horny already because I can only take so much phone sex. Miss my truck. Glad to get a change of scenery for our family. Happy that Elle will be proud of me no matter what. Confident that I pushed my self to get as prepared as possible. Relieved that Elle and I have the type of relationship where I will never doubt us as a couple. Terrified of the logistics for this trip, then move. Worried about my dogs. Satisfied that everything will be taken care of while I'm gone. Happy that I can throw stuff out. Miss my motorcycle. Humbled by my family missing me. Burning with anger to be the best person at my job. Hopeful that I'll be home sooner that we think. Resigned to the fact that I won't be. Thankful that no matter how intense this job is, my life and love will never be in danger, it's just a job. Scared that Elle won't like me when I get back. Excited about all the travel involved. Happy that I get to learn and enact new lessons and information. Happy to get out of this limbo state we've been in. Nervous I'll forget something. Taxed trying to get our family prepared for me to leave, and move. Excited about everything new. Preparing for the worst, hoping for the best. Ready to go.
Sorry if this makes no sense, but it's not supposed to for anyone but me. Just working through the process I suppose. I don't really share feelings much but when we started this blog we told you we'd be honest with you all; my list will probably keep evolving and changing but this is where I'm at at the moment.
- Dusty
Oh Dusty, your list makes sense to anyone who has had an extended separation from their spouse and/or kids. Hopefully you will have access to the internet so you can at least webcam with your little ones while you are away. Good luck with everything and cherish these next few months with your family before you go!
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