Kids

Dusty

Kids.  Oh kids.  People talk about the gigantic, life changing event that was the birthing of their child.  Well I didn't have it...and I feel guilty.  It seems like all my friends are having kids and when I ask them how they feel now that they're home and healthy I get the same answer: "Dude it changed my life, I'm so blessed, he/she is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me." hmm..I just smile and congratulate them.  The duck on the water that is my brain tries to stay cool on the outside while I'm churning on the inside.  My mind reels:

I'm sorry, my wife was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I got married to spend time with her.  While I would never trade my kids for anything I just want more time with my Elle.  When the little ones came out I didn't feel the swoon of a life changing emotional transformation, I simply fell deeper in love with Elle.  Don't get me wrong, I knew things would never be the same but I didn't change as a person, but the moments that have truly changed my life have been the sexual, emotional and mostly comical experiences I've had with Elle.

Perhaps I was too worried about Elle's health and the baby's health.  Maybe I was just prepared.  I guess it's even possible that I was terrified of life after bringing the baby home that I wasn't present in the moment, but I don't think so.  I'll use the example of our first baby. I didn't start having fun with him until month three.  I was with him every minute, tried to take care of every need...where was the "fun" in that?  He didn't move much, didn't talk, barely recognized who I was.  Everything needed to be done now or yesterday...trash, diapers, making our food, helping his feedings, working, spending the right amount of time, looking after Elle.  He ate every two hours, pooped every day, drooled and could care less who was around.  He was just conscious enough to consume every second of your time but not active enough to demand all attention.  It was like living in limbo, knowing everything you need to do but not being able to actually accomplish anything. 

Month three made it better, a little more activity.  He recognized my voice and could sit himself up.  Month six is where I had my moment.  He started to recognize me, started talking...a lot, started trying to play.  He was mobile, beginning to engage more and becoming a little like a pet, able to do some things but still needed attention to actually achieve his goals.  Then month 11.  My favorite.  Every day I got a smile as I came in from work.  He talked, recognized me, played with me.  "This is fun" I thought.  He got smarter, learning new things every day and figuring things out for himself!  I sat at work counting the hours until I could go home and kiss Elle and play with the little guy.  I looked forward to it. 

It took me 11 months.  What does that say about me?  Am I a shit dad, shitty person?  When I look to the future I'm excited but still make plans to get the kids out of the house ASAP so Elle and I can be alone again.  Was our decision to have kids the wrong decision for me?  Should I say no to future kids?  I want more but with these feelings is that irresponsible?

I know deep down that I'm a good dad.  Elle and I will decided everything equally, in a true partnership.  Things will be fine.  Yet I can't seem to shake the fact that I felt like a baby was a chore for three whole months (and still is) before I really stopped stressing.  I was talking about all of this to a friend recently and he spoke of a Tony Robbins seminar that asked couples if having kids was the best thing in their lives and if they loved their kids more than their spouse.  When the couples said yes Robbins said "You're doing it wrong!"  I take that to mean that your spouse should be your first priority and to establish a different focus than them is demeaning and belittling to your spouse.  I guess by that statement it means I'm not the only one with these feelings.  I'm probably not the only one who has these doubts and ideas.

Yes this is a ranty post, all in response to an ongoing discussion between Elle and I about getting back on the baby wagon. At the moment you all have probably noticed we haven't posted much and I haven't been around a lot.  We have some life changing events/decisions coming up in our near future, mostly happy but all difficult.  Things are disjointed at the moment and it's hard to find time to even cuddle let alone spend time writing and posting.  We will get back on the bandwagon soon though, and hopefully we can keep it coming.  I have to say I miss taking and posting the pictures so I hope we can set aside time to do that soon.  I really miss talking to you all out there and getting feedback.  Hope we can talk again real soon.